Navigating Mother's Day with teenagers

Embracing Imperfections and Finding Genuine Appreciation

Mother's Day is a celebration that often comes with high expectations for many mums and as a mum of teenage boys I find it really interesting. Most years I am on the edge of a sports field (with many other mums and dads), it is just another day after all, but the anticipation of feeling deeply appreciated, cherished, and understood can sometimes lead to disappointment when reality doesn't align with these hopes. In this blog post, I’ll explore the common sources of disappointment on Mother's Day with older children and discuss how to shift the focus towards genuine appreciation and understanding. 

Unspoken Expectations: 

When our children are little, I think our expectations dramatically differ. Mostly someone, be it a father, partner or significant person in the child’s life will assist them to get something for their mother and expectations are pretty low. Toddlers can’t book a table in a restaurant or make breakfast after all ...but as children get older, the lines become a little blurred. Whoever that significant other is, tends to expect that the child (ren) in question will take the initiative to arrange something for their mother, when in reality they might not have the money or have had the influence of someone to even know HOW to think ahead on this scale, especially in a way that can meet expectations. In particular teenagers are often selfish and unaware of the world around them and so it wouldn’t occur to them that time over gifts in most instances, is more preferable to most mothers, bearing in mind we spend half our lives shouting up the stairs. To even get them to come downstairs for a meal is an ordeal. Surprise gifts or elaborate plans are often the least wanted, to coin the often-used phrase, your ‘presence not your presents’ is what we require most. 

In reality, most women struggle to communicate what they would like (even when asked) but then when these unspoken expectations are not met, they can contribute to disappointment and a feeling of worthlessness. 

 Communication is Key: 

I spoke to many mothers on the sidelines yesterday and friends via text and not one had really enjoyed the day, but what do we REALLY want? We also feel the guilt of not feeling grateful for what we have but still we are unable to really communicate what we want or how we feel. Should we have to make our wants and desires known? In reality YES! Your husband/partner/children are not mind readers, although we expect them to be.  If you don’t say what you want, how are they supposed to know? If you want your partner to just take control of the situation and tell you what you are doing, you have to express that too. 

 The Reality of Imperfections: 

Once again this brings us back to that naughty word ‘Perfection’. Something that in the coaching world we actively discourage. Perfection is an unrealistic standard that means everyone, including children and spouses, fall short of meeting expectations. Social media fosters this and often leads to people looking at a single highlight of other people's days like their whole day has been a cloud of joy, when in reality they have picked out a single moment to present to the world that makes good content but often the truth is very, very different.  

 Celebrating the Small Moments: 

We should consider shifting our focus from grand gestures to the beauty of small, heartfelt moments. I urge you to appreciate the simple acts of kindness, handmade gifts, or thoughtful gestures that may be more genuine expressions of love and if you haven’t told anyone what you want to do, don’t be disappointed when it doesn’t happen.  

 Self-Appreciation: 

Sometimes self-care is what is required. One friend told me yesterday that she’s planning to go to the spa for the whole day next year, book it herself, go with a group of friends (maybe me) as this will remove the opportunity to be disappointed or feel undervalued. Self-care is important and if that is what is required, we shouldn’t feel bad for wanting or needing some time away to regroup. Indulging in self-care, whether it's a quiet moment alone, a favourite activity, or pampering oneself at home with a good book and a nice bath can sometimes be enough to regenerate your spirit and give you the wherewithal to meal plan your way through the next week with gusto. 

 Creating Lasting Memories: 

The over commercialisation of Mothering Sunday encourages lavish gifts and fancy cards when in reality a heartfelt note, a handmade card, a huge hug and some time to chat is often all that is required. A simple thank you for everything you do for me would be enough, not just from the children but from your husband or partner too. A walk, a nice meal cooked together rather than solo (before the inevitable screaming up the stairs begins to suggest they might want to join you for a meal) is more than sufficient and encouraging your children to notice that this might not be everyone's favourite day of the year, for many reasons is important too. Encouraging that element of empathy is surely part of our parenting journey. 

Mother's Day is a time to celebrate and honour mothers, but it's essential to recognise and address the potential for disappointment. By fostering open communication, embracing imperfections, and shifting the focus to genuine appreciation, families can make Mother's Day a meaningful and joyous occasion that goes beyond societal expectations.  

My personal takeaway from all the conversations I had yesterday, is that as mothers, we spend so much time juggling, organising, sorting, finding, soothing, and loving, sometimes all we want is for someone else to take control for the day. I don’t want to be asked what I want as a gift but instead maybe the suggestion of ‘Shall we book a table for a nice Sunday lunch somewhere’ or ‘don’t worry about dinner, I've got it under control’. (Which by the way, involves going to the supermarket and buying the stuff that’s required. Not asking me what we’ve got in the freezer that you can use!) But more than anything it’s just about acknowledgement. Don’t expect perfection, it doesn’t exist. Hold onto the small gestures and treasure them. Not everyone has the luxury of being a mummy or having one to spoil, we must be grateful for what we have and for goodness sake, stay off social media! It’s not real!  

With love and gratitude 

Fran x